Welcome back Kathleen, I've missed you and your thoughts! I truly believe that parenting is more about our Good Father training me the parent more so than the human he blessed and entrusted me and my husband with. I parented from both fear and comparison (my own insecurities, seeking approval, acceptance, etc.) but realized that I couldn't do that without some degree of damage to my son and me so I found myself correcting course constantly and adjusting my perspective as he grew and matured. It helps to make an incredible husband who is more grounded than I am for sure!
I agree with you that there is something wrong with the 'theology' of the "us against the world" mentality which resulted in sheltering, fear, and teaching our kids to fear the world around them instead of being curious about it and others - culture, etc., because I was imprisoned in that mind cage too. Thank goodness for grace, and the wisdom that comes comes from learning from mistakes and false theology.
I wonder how different I would be if I had not internalized that message and then tried to pass it along in my parenting? When our son went to college I encouraged him to enjoy his journey in life; be curious; figure things out; mistakes are okay; don't do anything you can't afford to be responsible for ;). Man, I wish I had been told that making mistakes, not having it all figured out in your 20s is okay!
Thank you for sharing your heart Kathleen, I appreciate it and you, friend!
What a joy to see your name in my inbox this morning!!
Every word you wrote rang true with me. I hadn’t quite thought about it that way before, but you’re right—parenting really is God forming the parent along the way. We start with so many destructive tools—fear, comparison (a killer—one I am more than familiar with)—and then spend years adjusting course as our kids grow up. Thank goodness for the fierce love that softens the blow of those tools and smooths over the rough spots along the way. Good grief… what a process! But I’ve loved nothing more. 💗
Completely agree about the “us against the world” mindset. It builds such a small cage. I’m glad you resisted letting that take root in your own mind—and your son’s. And this may be the most practical off-to-college advice I’ve heard yet: “don’t do anything you can’t afford to be responsible for ;).” Beautiful. The embodiment of truth and grace.
Thank you for your wisdom and for sharing this here. I always love hearing your thoughts.
That is really good Kathleen! We see this tenfold among parents of teenagers. Their grip become so unbearable that the kids either play nice until they are out on their own or they rebel severely.
We have often told parents, in fact this morning, we want messy to happen on our watch not after they leave the nest. We want to give them space to fail while under our protect and also space to take risks and succeed. When we do not embrace the messy, we may get a lot worse than just messy. Our over control may damage our relationship with them for good.
I really appreciate this perspective. “Messy on our watch” is exactly right, and it models generous acceptance. What could make our children feel more secure? When our expectations get too narrow, we leave little room for the trial and error that actually forms wisdom. Making space for that mess while the relationship is strong and they’re still close by is such a healthy approach—and from what I’ve seen, you and Stacy live this out well. I’m glad you’re in a position to influence others.
Pure wisdom, Kathleen. It’s amazing—miraculous—what our continued development can do to help our adult children heal and grow. We love them more purely as we grow. What a gift! Thank you for the beautiful reminder.
That’s quite a compliment coming from you, my wisest of friends. I’m discovering that when I stop trying to control the outcome of my children’s lives, it frees up so much space in my heart to know and love them even more. And, what a joy that is! Thanks so much for your encouraging words, Stephanie! <3
Such wise words. I wish my now adult children had experienced acceptance during “messiness” within my former church fellowship. Instead, they experienced judgment and condemnation from their peers, other parents, and adults. They learned that the church was no place for mistakes and hypocrisy was the norm. It truly is the most painful guilt I carry. I’m grateful for their forgiveness and grace as we have navigated our relationships in their adulthood. They fiercely love their friends who have also been pushed to the margins by the faith community they grew up in. And I do too! The ability to grown and change course is a blessing. Shame and condemnation does not create a deeper faith, it creates compliance out of fear of not being loved. That is NOT the heart of Jesus, NEVER has been and NEVER will be.
Welcome back Kathleen, I've missed you and your thoughts! I truly believe that parenting is more about our Good Father training me the parent more so than the human he blessed and entrusted me and my husband with. I parented from both fear and comparison (my own insecurities, seeking approval, acceptance, etc.) but realized that I couldn't do that without some degree of damage to my son and me so I found myself correcting course constantly and adjusting my perspective as he grew and matured. It helps to make an incredible husband who is more grounded than I am for sure!
I agree with you that there is something wrong with the 'theology' of the "us against the world" mentality which resulted in sheltering, fear, and teaching our kids to fear the world around them instead of being curious about it and others - culture, etc., because I was imprisoned in that mind cage too. Thank goodness for grace, and the wisdom that comes comes from learning from mistakes and false theology.
I wonder how different I would be if I had not internalized that message and then tried to pass it along in my parenting? When our son went to college I encouraged him to enjoy his journey in life; be curious; figure things out; mistakes are okay; don't do anything you can't afford to be responsible for ;). Man, I wish I had been told that making mistakes, not having it all figured out in your 20s is okay!
Thank you for sharing your heart Kathleen, I appreciate it and you, friend!
What a joy to see your name in my inbox this morning!!
Every word you wrote rang true with me. I hadn’t quite thought about it that way before, but you’re right—parenting really is God forming the parent along the way. We start with so many destructive tools—fear, comparison (a killer—one I am more than familiar with)—and then spend years adjusting course as our kids grow up. Thank goodness for the fierce love that softens the blow of those tools and smooths over the rough spots along the way. Good grief… what a process! But I’ve loved nothing more. 💗
Completely agree about the “us against the world” mindset. It builds such a small cage. I’m glad you resisted letting that take root in your own mind—and your son’s. And this may be the most practical off-to-college advice I’ve heard yet: “don’t do anything you can’t afford to be responsible for ;).” Beautiful. The embodiment of truth and grace.
Thank you for your wisdom and for sharing this here. I always love hearing your thoughts.
That is really good Kathleen! We see this tenfold among parents of teenagers. Their grip become so unbearable that the kids either play nice until they are out on their own or they rebel severely.
We have often told parents, in fact this morning, we want messy to happen on our watch not after they leave the nest. We want to give them space to fail while under our protect and also space to take risks and succeed. When we do not embrace the messy, we may get a lot worse than just messy. Our over control may damage our relationship with them for good.
I really appreciate this perspective. “Messy on our watch” is exactly right, and it models generous acceptance. What could make our children feel more secure? When our expectations get too narrow, we leave little room for the trial and error that actually forms wisdom. Making space for that mess while the relationship is strong and they’re still close by is such a healthy approach—and from what I’ve seen, you and Stacy live this out well. I’m glad you’re in a position to influence others.
Pure wisdom, Kathleen. It’s amazing—miraculous—what our continued development can do to help our adult children heal and grow. We love them more purely as we grow. What a gift! Thank you for the beautiful reminder.
That’s quite a compliment coming from you, my wisest of friends. I’m discovering that when I stop trying to control the outcome of my children’s lives, it frees up so much space in my heart to know and love them even more. And, what a joy that is! Thanks so much for your encouraging words, Stephanie! <3
Such wise words. I wish my now adult children had experienced acceptance during “messiness” within my former church fellowship. Instead, they experienced judgment and condemnation from their peers, other parents, and adults. They learned that the church was no place for mistakes and hypocrisy was the norm. It truly is the most painful guilt I carry. I’m grateful for their forgiveness and grace as we have navigated our relationships in their adulthood. They fiercely love their friends who have also been pushed to the margins by the faith community they grew up in. And I do too! The ability to grown and change course is a blessing. Shame and condemnation does not create a deeper faith, it creates compliance out of fear of not being loved. That is NOT the heart of Jesus, NEVER has been and NEVER will be.
Love you, dear friend!